


The Remusaurus Rex

by aqua_myosotis_scorpioides



Series: The PB to my J [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Boys In Love, Drunk Remus, Like super drunk, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Remus Lupin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:09:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27603283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aqua_myosotis_scorpioides/pseuds/aqua_myosotis_scorpioides
Summary: Remus gets drunk.  Sirius blushes.This is a one-shot based on Chapter 12 from my longer texting story The PB to my J.  Can be read as a stand alone but if you want more context you can find ithere
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: The PB to my J [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2018050
Comments: 45
Kudos: 226





	The Remusaurus Rex

‘…and I swear I thought I was stuck,’

‘Oh my god, I hate that, and your face goes all hot and you get all sweaty.’

‘YES, that’s exactly what, oh!’

Alice broke off as she walked in to the living room, followed by Lily and Dorcas, and saw Marlene sitting on the sofa with Remus’ head lying in her lap, his long legs thrown over the arm and swigging from a nearly empty bottle of cheap rose, ‘Oh dear, what’s happened?’

‘Remus has realised he’s in love with Sirius,’ Marlene answered continuing to run her fingers through his curls. 

‘Ah, I see.’

Remus made a noise like a wounded hippo and drained the last of the wine, screwing his face up as he swallowed and letting the bottle fall on to the carpet with a soft thud. ‘Sirius always gets us nice wine,’ he said forlornly, grabbing Marlene’s hand and bringing it to cover his face and mouth, ‘Do you think you’d be able to suffocate me?’

‘I think this calls for the big guns,’ said Dorcas, disappearing into the kitchen and then reappearing a minute later holding a bottle and 5 plastic, slightly sticky shot glasses. ‘No idea what it’s like,’ she said inspecting the bottle and then banging it down on the small coffee table and handing round the glasses, ‘My brother got it in duty free when he went to Canada in the summer but I mean, it’s called Thunder Bitch, that’s got to count for something right.’

She poured them each a shot and Marlene pushed at Remus until he was sitting up, leaning heavily against the arm of the sofa.

‘Cheers,’ he said, throwing back the liquid, which was a rather alarming reddish-brown colour, the girls following his lead. There was a collective spluttering,

‘Oh my God Dorco, what the fuck is this?’ Lily exclaimed, eyes watering.

‘Umm,’ Dorcas coughed, picking the bottle back up and squinting at the label, ‘says it’s a unique liquor made from a mixture of Canadian whisky, cinnamon and pepper.

‘Tastes like pain,’ Remus croaked, waving his shot glass in Dorcas’ general direction, ‘More.’

‘Oh Remus,’ Alice said as he threw back a second and then a third shot before Dorcas decided it was time to cut him off, ‘Why don’t you just tell him?’

‘I can’t!’ Remus looked at her aghast, ‘Have you _seen_ Sirius? Have you seen me? Its like the princess and the frog, except Sirius is a handsome, god he’s so handsome, a handsome prince and it’s not a frog it’s a toad and I’m the toad. No-one likes toads Alice, they’re ugly and stupid.’

‘But didn’t the princess end up kissing the frog though? I’m pretty sure they got married!’

‘Oh I don’t know,’ Remus whined miserably and flopped sideways to lie back on the sofa, missed and rolled on to the floor where he stayed lying face down.

Lily deposited her shot glass on the table and then plonked herself down on the carpet by Remus’ feet, patting the backs of his legs. ‘Remus what’s with you? I don’t know why you seem to think that it would be so implausible that Sirius could be into you. You’re totally gorgeous.’ Remus shook his head and made a muffled noise of protest into the carpet. ‘You are!’ she continued, ‘We talk about it all the time, don’t we?’ She looked around for support as Marlene, Dorcas and Alice all made noises of affirmation.

Remus rolled over on to his back and dragged his hands down his face, ‘I’m not though am I. I’m freckly, and not cute freckly, they’re literally everywhere, my eyes are different fucking colours so my face looks wonky, my feet are stupidly big and I’m so tall I can’t walk around _anywhere_ without bashing my head on something.’

‘Pretty sure Sirius isn’t going to have a problem with the big feet,’ Alice muttered under her breath.

‘What?’ Remus tipped his head back so he could look at her upside down.

‘Oh nothing Rem, I just really think, that when you’ve sobered up you should maybe talk to him.’

‘I’d rather pay an ancient sea turtle 100 euros for his shell, winkle him out and then set up shop inside and live there for the next 100 years,’ he paused before adding, ‘What do sea turtles eat?’ The girls burst out laughing.

‘Remus what the hell?!’ Lily said, still giggling.

‘Don’t you laugh at me you red headed goddess of joy,’ Remus answered, reaching forward with one long arm to push gently at her cheek. She looked at him bemused.

‘What? That’s what James calls you,’ he pushed himself up on his elbows suddenly animated, ‘You know he really likes you, like properly likes you, he used to talk about you so much that in first year we had to have a Lily jar, he had to put a pound in every time he mentioned you, that’s pretty much what paid for our flights to Dublin.’

‘Yeh, yeh,’ Lily retorted, rolling her eyes but Remus carried on,

‘You should get rid of your other gross boyfriend and get a new James boyfriend! He’s a really good kisser you know, just the right amount of tongue and even though his arms are fucking built because of all the rowing he’s actually really gentle.’

‘Oh my God, how do you know this?’ Dorcas looked revolted.

‘Oh, we kiss all the time.’

‘But why? I’m so confused.’ 

Remus opened his mouth to respond and then closed it again, looking like he wanted to say something but had forgotten what, he shrugged and picked up the bottle of Thunder Bitch that was still sitting on the table and began chugging it. He slumped back on to the floor and turned on his side. ‘Oh my God!’ he exclaimed suddenly, ‘There’s an orange under the sofa, but I think it’s dying!’ He stuck the hand not holding the bottle of Thunder Bitch underneath the sofa, moving it around frantically, ‘Shit, its keeps… rolling… away,’ he grunted, ‘Aha! Got ya!’ He yanked his arm out, and sat up, ‘Don’t worry little orange, I’ll save you.’ He brought the orange to his lips and began to rhythmically puff air on to it and then squeezing it with two fingers.

‘Remus what the fuck are you doing?’ Alice asked.

‘It’s dying, I’m giving it CPR,’ Remus explained as though he couldn’t believe that Alice couldn’t grasp the concept of what he was doing, ‘It needs to become big again so it can fulfil its life as a big, juicy orange.’

‘Christ sake Rem,’ Marlene snapped, snatching it out of his hands, ‘That’s a satsuma.’

‘Oh,’ said Remus, ‘Can I eat it?’

Lily gently prised the bottle of Thunder Bitch from his hands, ‘I think you’ve had enough of this sweetie. Maybe we should just talk about your game plan with Sirius.’

‘I just,’ Remus started, ‘He’s just so lovely and he’s so fit, he’s got such nice eyes and _such_ nice hands. And sometimes when I keep him company in the bath I see his dick but obviously I’m not supposed to look but it looks like it’s really pretty. I should ask him if his dick is pretty,’ he tailed off, fumbling for his phone.

‘NO!’ the four girls all lurched towards him, Alice managing to grab the phone from his hand, ‘Buggering fuck Rem,’ she turned to Marlene, ‘How much has he actually had to drink?’

‘Umm, well I met him in the pub and we had a couple there, then that bottle of wine,’ she gestured to the empty bottle that was still lying on the floor and then picked up the Thunder Bitch and gave it a shake, ‘And quite a lot of this.’

‘Marlene!’

‘What? He’s so tall I figured he could take it!’

‘I also had 4 vodka shots at the pub when I ordered and that Smirnoff Ice that was in your kitchen when you were on the phone,’ Remus slurred, he seemed to be getting drunker by the second.

‘For fucks sake Remus,’ Dorcas sighed, ‘Shall we get you a glass of water and something to eat hmm?’

‘Do you think Sirius likes glasses of water and eating?’

‘Oh yes,’ Alice said airily hurrying forward to help Marlene tug Remus off the floor, ‘And you know what Rem? I reckon he’d be really pleased if you were having a glass of water and eating too.’

Remus, now standing, gave his head a little shake, swayed slightly for a moment and followed the girls into the kitchen. 

‘Bacon sandwich Re?’ Marlene asked.

Remus nodded absently, looking around the small kitchen until his eyes fell upon the small red parrot that Lily had insisted she needed on a group trip to the Wild Bird Sanctuary. He walked over and picked it up, holding it very close to his face, ‘Hello, what’s your name?’ he asked conversationally. He cleared his throat slightly before adopting a high pitched caw, ‘My name’s Lord Bobo, who are you?’ 

Dorcas turned to Lily and mouthed, ‘Lord Bobo?’ Lily shrugged looking bewildered as Remus continued,

‘My name’s Remus, did you know your name is really stupid?’

‘Not as stupid as your face,’

‘That is actually really rude Lord Bobo. You know what, fuck you!’

Without warning Remus gripped the newly named Lord Bobo tightly in one fist before bringing his arm up and launching him across the kitchen, straight towards the Percy Pig piggy bank that was sitting on the side, letting out a war cry of ‘ANGRY BIRDS!’ Lord Bobo hit the piggy bank, which didn’t budge, bounced off it and fell on to the floor. Seemingly pleased with this turn of events Remus grinned round at them all before muttering, ‘I need a piss,’ and started towards the stairs, bashing his head on the doorframe as he went.

There was a moment’s pause before the girls dissolved into fits of laughter.

‘Oh my God, I’ve NEVER seen him like this,’ Lily said, hand on her chest.

‘It’s bloody hilarious,’ Alice added.

‘I didn’t realise he was so gone over Sirius though,’ Dorcas said questioningly.

‘No me nether,’ Alice straightened up, ‘Sirius is no better though.’

‘Well, Sirius isn’t going about getting totally wasted though is he?’ Marlene pointed out.

‘True,’ Alice said, ‘But Sirius has been in love with Remus since first year. He’s had two and half years to get over himself, Remus only realised today.’ ‘The idiot,’ she added as an afterthought.

‘Sirius has liked him since first year?!’ Dorcas exclaimed, ‘He’s done a pretty good job of hiding it. I didn’t even know he was into blokes!’

‘Into both,’ Alice corrected, ‘But yeh, he’s only just admitted it, although there have been a few things over the years that made me think. Remember when Remus first got with Fabian and they had that on/off thing going on for a couple of weeks? I remember then that Sirius was all edgy but I was only just getting to know him and thought maybe it was normal but when they made it official Sirius wouldn’t come out with us for a good few weeks afterwards and I remember thinking ‘huh, interesting.’’

‘Oh my God,’ Lily piped up suddenly, ‘Remember last year at the Christmas ball when Remus and Fabian got riotously drunk on that eggnog and were basically fucking on the dancefloor? Well I caught Sirius crying on the stairs! He claimed he wasn’t but it was pretty obvious he had been. He seemed mortified that I’d seen him though so I didn’t push it, I didn’t want to embarrass him. Oh I’m so sad for him now!’

‘Literally how does Remus not think he’s interested?’ Dorcas wondered, ‘Have you not told him any of this Marls?’

‘I have! But he won’t believe me. He’s so deprecating all the time, I really don’t know why. At least two girls and two blokes checked him out when we were in the pub, he just always finds an excuse.’ 

A loud clatter followed by a giggle sounded from upstairs, stopping Marlene in her tracks. ‘Oh for fucks sake, what’s he doing now?’

The four of them trooped out of the kitchen and up the stairs. Alice stuck her head into the bathroom where the tap was still running but there was no sign of Remus. 

‘He’s here,’ Dorcas said, pushing open her bedroom door to reveal Remus who was sitting cross legged on the floor holding the belt of Dorcas’ purple dressing gown and carefully looping through the elastics of five gold and silver pointed party hats.

‘What ya doing sweetie?’ Lily asked carefully, approaching him slowly as if he might startle. Remus looked up at her with a slightly manic look in his eyes,

‘Wait a second,’ he said, looking back down and concentrating on the task at hand, tongue poking out the side of his mouth and he started to tie knots. When all five party hats were strung and knotted on to the belt he stood up and tied it haphazardly around his waist and looked at the girls expectantly.

‘Umm, very nice Rem?’ Marlene ventured, ‘Any particular reason for this?’

‘Look!’ Remus exclaimed, trying to look behind himself, turning like a dog trying to catch its own tail, ‘I’m a Remusaurus! I mean I look like a dinosaur so I might as well become a dinosaur, and now I’ve got spikes and everything!’ He seemed incredibly pleased with this development.

‘Remus!’ Alice exclaimed, coming forwards and tapping him sharply on the arm, ‘Don’t be ridiculous, you don’t look like a dinosaur at all!’

‘Well, maybe a really fit dinosaur,’ Dorcas chimed in from the doorway.

Remus looked at her and gave her a shy smile, ‘Yeh?’

‘Yes Rem you big idiot,’ Marlene said, ‘I don’t know what’s got into you this evening.’

Remus looked momentarily more cheerful before his face fell and he stumbled backwards until the backs of his knees hit Dorcas’ bed and he sat down heavily. He looked up despairingly, ‘Why would an Adonis like Sirius want a sad, lonely dinosaur like me?’ and to the girls’ horror he let out a sob, tears spilling down his cheeks. 

‘Remus!’ they all rushed forward, Alice and Marlene sitting down on the bed next to him, both reaching up to put an arm around a shoulder. Lily sat down beside him on the floor and rubbed his knee while Dorcas brushed the stray curls off his forehead.

‘I just really love him,’ he said brokenly, ‘He’s everything, I can’t believe I didn’t realise it before.’

‘Rem,’ Marlene said sadly, ‘You’ve got to talk to him.’

Remus just shook his head, ‘I can’t! I’ll ruin everything, the four of us, I’ll never have friends as good as this again, we get on _so_ well, I can’t ruin it.’

‘You won’t ruin anything,’ Alice said, squeezing him tight, ‘Talk to Sirius tomorrow, please, you’d be surprised Rem, I promise.’

‘Rawwwwwr,’ Remus said quietly and then sniffed, ‘I’m so drunk.’

‘I know babe, come on, come downstairs and have a bacon sandwich.’

Remus nodded mutely and the five of them traipsed back downstairs.

\--------------------

Sat at the kitchen table Remus put down his sandwich,

‘You ok Rem?’ Dorcas asked worriedly, ‘You’re not about to vom are you?

Remus stood up abruptly, chair scraping on the old, tiled floor mumbling, ‘Going outside, need some fresh air.’ He stumbled over to the back door and out into the little garden, and for a moment just stood there looking up at the sky, makeshift dinosaur spikes still slung round his waist. Marlene shot him a worried look through the window and looked at Alice who shrugged, taking a bite of sandwich. 

They sat in companiable silence for a few more minutes, passing round a bag of kettle chips until Lily looked out the window,

‘Shit! He’s texting!’

‘How the hell did he get his phone,’ Marlene shouted, scrambling up and rushing outside, followed quickly by Alice, Lily and Dorcas hovering in the doorway. She snatched the phone from his hands and Remus looked vaguely put out before stepping back a little and continuing to look up at the sky. Marlene quickly scrolled back through the texts and rolled her eyes, ‘Bloody hell Rem,’ she said under her breath, ‘Al listen to this,’ but just as she was about to read the messages out loud Remus let out an enormous ‘RAAWWWR!’ making both girls jump. From inside they could hear Dorcas and lily laughing hysterically.

‘Oh my God Remus what is _wrong_ with you?!’ Alice demanded, but Remus just pointed to a couple of non-plussed looking pigeons who had settled on the wall and then to his party hat spikes and continued to roar at the two birds until they finally startled and flew away. 

Marlene shoved Remus’ phone in front of his face to unlock it and quickly typed out a message:

**Moony**

Can one of you come and get Remus please?

Hes at ours

And is totally bladdered

He found some left over party hats

Strung them together with Dorco’s dressing gown cord

And then tied them to his back

And is currently in the garden

Roaring at the birds

Because he is a Remusaurus

The response can almost instantly

**Prongs**

Jesus Christ

We’re on our way

**Wormtail**

Take pictures!

‘Come on Al,’ Marlene said, gesturing despairingly at Remus who was still roaring to himself quietly, ‘I’m not emotionally stable to deal with whatever this is,’ and she started back towards the kitchen.

Alice gave Remus a little pat on the back and he looked down at her, ‘Raawwr?’ he said, cocking his head to the side, ‘Raawwr,’ Alice agreed, and followed Marlene back in to the house leaving Remus to roar to his heart’s content.

\--------------------

‘Oi, oi!’ came James’ voice a quarter of an hour later, ‘Where’s our boy then?’ He strolled in to the kitchen followed by both Pete and Sirius. Dorcas waved her hand vaguely towards the back door and dug her hand back in to the packet of kettle chips.

‘We did try and get him to come inside,’ Lily said apologetically, ‘But he wasn’t budging and he’s too bloody tall to manhandle him.’

James rolled his eyes fondly, walking towards the back door, calling out ‘Oh Remy Boy!’ and disappeared outside, followed by Pete, who had his phone out, camera ready.

Sirius stayed put in the kitchen, hands shoved in his jeans pockets, ‘Any reason why he’s so plastered?’ he asked conversationally.

Four identical glare were shot his way, ‘Yes!’

‘Woah, ok,’ he held up his hands as a delighted ‘Prongs!’ floated in from outside followed by an immediate, ‘Is Padfoot here?’ Marlene raised her eyebrows at him.

‘Oh my God, how much has he had?!’ James huffed as he and Pete reappeared, dragging Remus with them.

‘A lot,’ Marlene replied and then added, ‘Sorry,’ not sounding sorry at all. 

Alice and Sirius seemed to be having a furious conversation using just their eyes and eyebrows, Sirius had a hard look on his face while Alice seemed to be chastising him for something. Pete cleared his throat loudly and they both started looking at him, he inclined his head towards Remus.

‘Oh Re,’ Sirius chuckled, his face softening as in took in Remus’ dishevelled appearance, ‘What’s got into you hey?’

‘Padfoot!’ Remus’ face lit up upon seeing him as he said hopefully, ‘You?’ Both Alice and Marlene snorted and Sirius felt his face heat.

‘Come on, let’s get you home. You’re going to hate yourself tomorrow,’ he said tugging Remus towards him and untying the dressing gown belt.

‘But my spikes,’ Remus said forlornly, ‘I liked those.’

‘I know Moons, tell you what, how about…’

Sirius unstrung one of the hats and stretched up on to the balls of his feet to put it on Remus’ head, gently pulling the elastic under his chin and then cupping Remus’ face with both hands, just for a moment, before seemingly shaking himself out of his daze and stretching back up to fluff up the unruly curls that were sticking out on either side of the hat, which was sitting at a jaunty angle.

‘There,’ he said softly, pulling back, ‘You’re all set.’ They continued to stare into each other’s eyes.

‘WELL,’ James said loudly and both Remus and Sirius jumped, ‘As much as I’m enjoying basking in the colossal amount of sexual tension in this room, I think we need to get Rem home.’

‘Shut the fuck up James,’ Sirius muttered, giving him a shove and turning to the girls,’ Yeh sorry ladies, we’ll take it from here.’

‘You can take me from,’ Remus began under his breath.

‘NO!’ James shouted loudly, ‘that’s enough of that Moony, let’s get you home.’

He began to push Remus towards the door that led through to the living from, Sirius and Pete coming up behind. The girls looked at each other and then hurried to follow. As the passed though the living room Remus stopped suddenly, swiping the now much depleted bottle of Thunder Bitch off the table, brining it up to his mouth and draining it.

‘Remus no!,’ James scolded, grabbing the bottle out of Remus’ hands, ‘Remusaurs don’t drink,’ he looked at the label, ‘Whatever the fuck this is. Bugger me Rem, it’s 120 proof! Jesus Christ, no wonder you can barely walk.’ He turned to Marlene, ‘How much of this has he had?’

‘Umm,’ She took the bottle and gave it a shake, ‘Pretty much all of it.’

James sighed, ‘You’re going to be so sick mate,’ He patted Remus on the arm. Remus just grinned at him, looking inordinately pleased with himself.

‘Do you want me to call you a taxi?’ Lily asked from behind them, ‘Is he actually going to be able to walk home?’

‘Better for him to walk than to vomit all over a taxi,’ Pete said sagely.

‘Too right,’ James agreed, ‘We can manage him, come on lads.’

They made it to the front door and out down the narrow path to the rusted gate that was leaning off its hinges against the wall before there was a loud squawk and a louder grunt. James and Pete whipped around to see Sirius hunched forwards, Remus’ arms tight around his neck, body draped over his back and feet dragging on the ground.

‘Remus,’ Sirius said through gritted teeth, ‘I can’t give you a piggy back ride like this,’ Remus just nuzzled his face in to the crook of Sirius’ neck.

‘You smell nice.’

‘James, Pete, little help here.’ Pete hurried forwards and gave Remus’ arse a shove.

‘Up you go Rem.’

Surprisingly, Remus took the hint and let himself be shoved, wrapping his legs around Sirius’ waist.

‘Not what I meant Pete, but thanks,’ Sirius said, putting his hands under Remus’ thighs to secure him better, ‘Bloody hell Re, how much do you weigh?’

‘About 200lbs, but I don’t know if that’s good or bad. Do you think that’s good or bad?’

‘I’ve no idea, but I know I’m not carrying you all the way home.’

‘Why not?’ said Remus petulantly, lifting his head, ‘I like riding you,’ his head flopped forwards again.

‘Oh my God,’ Sirius muttered under his breath.

‘What’s he talking about Paddy?’ James asked.

‘Nothing,’ Sirius said just as Remus said very loudly, ‘I want to ride you like a bicycle.’

James cocked his head to the side, a smirk spreading across his face, ‘ _Do_ you now?’

‘So much,’ Remus whined.

‘We better be getting back home then,’ James said jovially. Sirius glared at him.

\--------------------

Five minutes later they were making slow progress, Pete and James having strolled ahead leaving Sirius and Remus behind, Sirius cursing them internally.

‘Rem, I love you but you’re going to have to get off, I’m dying here,’ Sirius said breathlessly.

‘But I’m having fun! It’s comfy up here, you can do it, you’re really strong Padfoot, you’ve got such nice shoulders.’ Remus said encouragingly and then quieter, ‘I wonder if you could hold me up against a wall?’ He paused before seeming to answer the question himself, ‘I’m probably too tall. Stupid tallness,’

‘I like your tallness,’ Sirius pointed out absently, ‘And although I appreciate your unerring faith in my upper body strength I think my back’s about to break, so hop off would you.’

‘Fine,’ Remus huffed and slid from Sirius back.

‘Oh Rem,’ Sirius laughed, looking at the put out look on his freckled face, ‘You’re 5 inches taller than me and pretty fucking stacked. Come on, we’re nearly home.’

‘4 inches,’ Remus said sulkily.

‘What?’

‘I’m 4 inches taller than you, not 5,’

Sirius rolled his eyes, ‘Yes, but we all know I lie about that extra half an inch, 6 foot sounds better than 5 foot 12 and a half.’

Remus shoved a sweaty hand over Sirius mouth looking scandalised, ‘Shhhh! We don’t talk about that.’

Sirius prised the hand off his mouth, ‘Atta boy Moons,’ he gave Remus a wink and took his hand, ‘Come on you.’ Remus smiled down at their joined hands and shot Sirius what he thought might have been a wink back, but then again, Sirius mused, it might just have been the latest batch of Thunder Bitch hitting his blood stream.

\--------------------

‘Cheers for you help boys,’ Sirius said sarcastically as he stomped into the living room, ‘You couldn’t have waited for us?’

‘We thought you might have needed a moment,’ James answered, ‘You got home alright didn’t you Rem?’

‘We held hands,’ said Remus, looking incredibly pleased, ‘And Padfoot said I was stacked.’

Two heads turned to look at Sirius, ‘Diiiid he now?’ James smirked while Pete waggled his eyebrows. Sirius wondered whether it would be acceptable to set them on fire, just a little bit.

‘You would remember that out of everything,’ he glared at Remus. ‘Sit,’ he ordered, ‘I’m going to get you a glass of water.’ He gave Remus a push in the chest and he collapsed down on to the sofa, looking back up at Sirius, eyes smouldering.

‘I love it when you get bossy.’

James hooted with laughter, Sirius flushed and turned to get the water.

James threw an arm around Remus, ‘What are we going to do about you two, hmm,’ he asked, Remus dropped his head on James’ shoulder, until Sirius came back in with a pint glass full of water, a twirl and two paracetamol.

‘Move,’ Sirius said to James, who held his hands up and shuffled over so he could sit down next to Remus, ‘Right you. If you drink all of this, you can have the twirl.’

‘Alright mum,’ Remus huffed and then leered, ‘or should I say alright _Daddy_.’

‘Jesus wept Re, just drink the fucking water. Take these too.’ Sirius went to pass Remus the pills but he just opened his mouth expectantly and waited until Sirius sighed and placed them on his tongue.

Remus downed the water in one go, slamming the pint glass on the table and turned back to Sirius with grabby hands, ‘Done, now gimme my twirl bitch.’

‘Yeh bitch,’ Pete repeated gleefully, ‘Give the man his twirl.’

Sirius looked at Pete and scowled but passed over the twirl all the same. Remus tore it open with his teeth and promptly inhaled the first finger before sticking the second between his teeth and turning to Sirius, ‘What a bite?’ he asked, the bit of twirl sticking out his mouth wobbling dangerously.

‘Umm, no I’m good thanks Moons,’ Sirius could feel that he was still blushing.

‘I’ll have a bit,’ James jumped up and came to stand in front of Remus before bending down and taking a bite. Remus nodded approvingly at him, chewing his own bit of twirl before swallowing and looking at Sirius.

‘See, James wanted to kiss me!’

Sirius spluttered, ‘You didn’t ask if I wanted to kiss you! You asked if I wanted a bite of the twirl!’

‘And you didn’t!’

‘I don’t understand,’ Sirius slumped back on the sofa, ‘You’re confusing me.’

‘In Lady and the Tramp,’ Remus began slowly, with the air of someone explaining something very simple to someone very stupid, ‘When they eat the spaghetti, they both start at one end and then when they meet in the middle they kiss.’

‘How the hell was I supposed to know that’s what you were thinking,’ Sirius said exasperatedly, ‘And anyway, you and James didn’t kiss when you met in the middle.’

‘Prongs come here,’ Remus demanded, yanking James down and pressing their lips together, unmoving. James grinned but shot Sirius an apologetic sideways glance, his and Remus’ lips still pressed together. Remus pulled back with an over exaggerated smacking noise and patted James on the cheek, ‘Love you Prongsie,’

‘Love you too Moony.’

‘I can’t be dealing with this,’ Sirius said, ‘I’m going to bed.’

He went to get up but was pinned back down by Remus launching himself up and straddling Sirius’ legs. ‘No, please don’t go, sit with me for a bit longer. I promise to stop kissing James.’

‘I’m tired Re, remember I had to carry a 6 foot 4 dinosaur home,’ Sirius tried to joke.

‘I’ve annoyed you haven’t I,’ Remus said, face dropping, ‘I’m ruining everything, what the fuck is wrong with me.’

‘No!,’ Sirius said quickly, ‘I’m not annoyed, I’ll stay up for a bit, let’s watch something on the tele or something yeh? Shift off, I need to get the remote.’

‘Boop noses first?’ Remus requested hopefully, rubbing his nose against Sirius’ and then bumping them together softly twice, ‘Boop, boop.’

‘Boop, boop,’ Sirius agreed, rubbing his hands up and down Remus’ arms before gently rolling him back to his spot on the sofa. ‘Boop. Boop?’ James mouthed at him, Sirius just shrugged and reached for the remote and started flicking through the channels, ‘Any requests?’

‘Naked Attraction!’ both Pete and James shouted as the familiar booths appeared on the screen.

‘For fucks sake, really?’ Sirius said scathingly.

‘Naked Attraction, Naked Attraction,’ Pete and James continued to chant until Sirius relented and flicked back to it.

‘I always wonder why you’d go on this show,’ Pete mused, ‘You’d have to think pretty highly of yourself to have your dick displayed for all and sundry to inspect. Christ! Look at that one!’

Impressive,’ James agreed turning to Remus, ‘What does the expert think? Anything to add?’

‘Hmm?’ Remus looked at the tele glassy eyed, ‘Oh, yeh not bad, bet its not as nice as Padfoot’s though. I said to the girls earlier that I bet Pads has a pretty dick.’

‘Umm,’ Sirius said, feeling hot all over, ‘Umm,’

Remus turned his head to look at him, ‘Can I see?’

‘What?’ Sirius choked out looking towards James with a pleading look of ‘Help me,’ in his eyes.

‘Can I see if you have a pretty dick,’ Remus repeated without a trace of sarcasm.

Sirius could feel James shaking with laughter next to him and elbowed him in the side, hard. ‘Ow!’ he exclaimed, ‘What the hell was that for!’

Remus was still looking at him, soft smile on his face and mismatched eyes bright. ‘The bloke’s just drunkenly asked to see your dick,’ Sirius had to remind himself, ‘Not the time to think about how gorgeous he is.’ He gave himself a mental shake before answering.

‘Probably not Rem, hey,’ he said with a nervous laugh. To his absolute horror Remus burst into tears.

‘Shit!, Remus no!’ he said desperately as James jumped up, tripping over Sirius’ feet to kneel in front of Remus.

‘Remus!’ James said frantically, ‘You never cry! Sirius, show him your penis!’

‘What?! No!’

‘Well do something! Remus what’s wrong?’

‘Why is it like this?’ Remus sobbed, ‘I just want, I just want,’ He grasped for Sirius’ hand, who caught it in his own and gave it a hard squeeze, ‘Do you hate me?’

‘Remus,’ Sirius said earnestly, ‘I could _never, ever_ hate you, ok?’ He gave his hand another squeeze.

‘Ok,’ Remus nodded, tears still spilling from his eyes. Sirius thought that they really were beautiful. ‘I feel really sick,’

‘Oop, up you get then Moony,’ James said, standing up and pulling Remus up too who was refusing to let go of Sirius’ hand.

‘Will you come too,’ he asked him.

‘Yeh, course I will Moons.’

\--------------------

‘Oh Re,’ Sirius sighed, as Remus vomited into the toilet for the second time, one hand rubbing up and down his back (Remus had yet to relinquish the other.) ‘What’s got into you today, hmm?’

‘Ergh,’ came the miserable reply.

‘Here you go mate,’ Pete said, coming into the bathroom with another glass of water and setting it down on the floor, ‘Prongs is just seeing if we’ve got any of those rehydration sachets left for the morning,’

‘Shit, he would have thrown up those paracetamol too wouldn’t he?’ Sirius looked at Pete who shook his head,

‘I’ve no idea.’

‘James!’ Sirius shouted down the hallway, ‘Has Rem thrown up those paracetamol? Should I get him to take some more, you know if he doesn’t he always gets a migraine after drinking.’

‘No,’ James’ voice answered back, coming closer as he walked towards the bathroom, ‘There was enough time between him taking them and the vomming for at least something to have been absorbed into his system. He’s going to feel proper shit tomorrow though.’

‘I’m sorry guys,’ Remus croaked forehead on the rim off the loo.

‘Nothing to be sorry about Moony old boy, happens to the best of us,’ James said cheerily, ‘Remember that time Pete was sick into a pillowcase and then tried to put said pillowcase on his pillow?’

Remus grimaced and then wretched, Sirius stroked his thumb over Remus’ knuckles and resumed rubbing his back.

‘Well, this has been a delight,’ Pete said, ‘but I’m for bed.’ He stood up and stretched, ‘Night lads, feel better Rem.’

‘Night Pete,’ James and Sirius chorused, Remus just groaned.

‘Same here,’ James said, hovering in the doorway, ‘You going to be alright with him?’

Sirius rolled his eyes, ‘Course I am, he’s put me to bed in worse states than this.’

‘I know,’ James chuckled then sobered, ‘Doesn’t seem right it being this way around,’ he nudged Sirius with his foot, ‘You’re going to have to talk to him tomorrow you know.’

Sirius looked up at him from where he was kneeling on the floor, ‘What I am going to say though?’ he said quietly, ‘He’s totally plastered Jamie, I don’t even think he’s going to remember any of this, for all we know it’s just the booze talking.’

‘But I don’t think it is Padfoot,’ James replied, looking at Remus who eyes were now closed, ‘Come on, I’ll help you get him to his room.’

Sirius got to his feet slowly and James gave him a slap on the back before they both hauled Remus up, body now heavy with sleep and began half walking half dragging him towards his bedroom.

‘Sirius’ room,’ he mumbled sleepily.

‘What was that mate?’

‘Don’t want to sleep in my room, want to sleep in Padfoot’s room.’

James shot Sirius a look that said, ‘Are you sure that’s a good idea?’ Sirius ignored him.

‘Ok Moons, my room it is.’

Once they had deposited Remus on Sirius’ bed James bid them goodnight, reminding Sirius to call out for him if Remus was sick again. Sirius shut the door behind him and turned to look at the boy who was sprawled diagonally across the bed, seemingly fast asleep. He shucked off his shirt and jeans and pulled on a pair of pyjama bottoms before padding over to the bed. He said down on the left hand side and gave Remus a shake,

‘Come on Moonymine, we need get your kit off.’

Remus opened one eye blearily, turned his head to look at Sirius and smiled, ‘You’re so gorgeous Padfoot, you know that?’

Sirius laughed, heart beating faster, ‘That’s just the drink talking Re, come on, up you get.’

Remus allowed himself to be pulled up and slowly began fumbling with the buttons on his charcoal grey cardigan before giving in and just sitting there.

‘Oh come here you silly goose,’ Sirius reached over, undoing the buttons and pushing the cardigan of Remus’ broad shoulders, ‘T-shirt on or off?’

‘Off,’ Remus murmured sleepily, ‘Tis hot.’

‘I hope you haven’t got a temperature standing outside being a Remusaurus all afternoon,’ Sirius chastised, ‘Let’s get that party hat off first shall we.’

‘No!’ Remus said, suddenly more awake, ‘I want to leave it on.’

‘Re, you can’t sleep in the party hat, what happens if the elastic gets caught round your neck and you choke in the night?’ Sirius wondered about yelling out to James to ask if that was an actual possibility while Remus laughed.

‘That’s silly Padfoot, it will just ping off, look.’

He lay back down, pretending to be sleeping and knocked the hat off; it did in fact just ping off.

‘See,’ Remus giggled sitting back up, ‘Ping!’ He pulled of his t-shirt and put the hat back on.

‘I still think you should take it off,’ Sirius said, not entirely convinced.

Remus looked at him with doleful eyes, ‘I like it,’ he said, and then to Sirius’ horror his eyes began to fill with tears again, ‘It’s the only thing that’s every loved me.’

‘Ok, ok,’ Sirius said alarmed, ‘You can keep the hat on, ok?’

‘Mmm,’ Remus hummed, wiping his eyes and lying back down to unbuckle his belt and undoing his jeans before attempting to wiggle them down his hips but not really getting anywhere.

Sighing Sirius got up and walked to the end of the bed where he grasped a cuff in each hand and began to tug the jeans off himself. ‘Fuck me, these are tight Moons,’ he huffed as the jeans finally slid down his legs, followed by, to Sirius’ horror, his blue and white striped boxers.

‘Umm,’ Sirius cleared his throat, looking resolutely at the floor and absolutely no-where else, ‘Want me to go and get your pyjamas?’

Remus shook his head, kicking the offending garments off and then getting under the covers. Sirius continued to stand at the foot of the bed, eyes flickering to the door and then back to the bed, unsure what he should do.

‘Where are you?’ Remus asked, lying with his eyes closed and groping around the empty space where Sirius should be, ‘Are you going away?’

Sirius gave himself as internal shake, ‘I’m here, don’t you worry.’ He climbed into bed next to Remus and twisted on his side so he could look at the other boy’s profile. Remus, obviously sensing that Sirius was looking him turned his head, reaching out a large hand and running his fingers through Sirius hair and stroking a thumb over his cheek.

Sirius’ breath hitched and he screwed his eyes shut. When he opened them Remus was looking at him questioningly,

‘Sirius?’

‘Yeh Re?’

‘I really want to kiss you.’

Sirius closed his eyes and took a deep breath, ‘Please don’t do this Remus,’ he whispered.

Remus snatched his hand away, ‘Sorry, sorry,’ he mumbled, ‘Shit.’ 

He went to get out of bed, but Sirius grabbed his arm and pulled him back down. ‘Remus, fuck, it’s not, it’s not that I don’t want to kiss you, you have _no_ idea, it’s just, you’re drunk, you’ve got no idea what you’re saying.

‘You don’t know that,’ Remus countered, sounding so convincing and so sober, that for a moment Sirius almost, _almost_ gave in. ‘Just once, please?’

‘It won’t be just once though,’ Sirius uttered, rolling onto his back so he didn’t have to look at Remus’ face, ‘Once I start I don’t think I’ll be able to stop.’

‘Maybe I’ll ask again in the morning then?’ Remus said quietly, ‘If I ask again in the morning will you kiss me then?’

‘Yes,’ Sirius whispered, ‘Ask me again in the morning and I’ll kiss you forever.’

‘Then that’s what I’ll do,’ Remus whispered back, settling down under the covers and tugging Sirius towards him, pressing his chest up against Sirius’ back and wrapping an arm around his waist. ‘Love you Pads, I’ll see you in the morning.’

‘See you in the morning,’ Sirius replied, trying hard not to think about the fact that Remus was currently naked and pressed up against him before finally allowing his body to relax back against the warmth, feeling Remus’ breathing evening out. 

Sirius lay there for a few more moment, letting his heartbeat settle before speaking into the darkness,

‘I love you too, Remusaur.’


End file.
